better even, I hope, than any old breakfast in bed

As I’m going to write regularly, this morning I think you might like to know where the name of our blog comes from. Almost ten years ago, arriving  in Victoria Coach Station from a trip to the Isle of Wight with my friend Janet Born,  Dom was there to meet us.

The coach station was very busy and we were rushed to find Janet’s coach to Bedford and wave her on her way.  Then Dom and I turned and headed off to Highshore Road in Peckham for adventures together.

When he was about eight, Dom wrote a poem in school about his favourite colour. I still have it, written in the  clear and careful style of the eight year-old poet. He wrote that red “…is the brightest and best colour of all.”

We spent the next day, Sunday – Mother’s Day- together and Dom gave me this poem…he was forty now.

Inside the hangar

A new thought is floating about the high spaces of the hangar of my mind. I’ve been told my kidney cancer has come back to visit me. No doubt this thought will find itself a place to hang like a glistening cobweb or a pirate flag up there in the heights. In the meantime, I’m aware of it dancing and weaving as I get on with everyday living between hospital visits. I was thinking this morning of how the changes are not unlike being pregnant – except that the child is ahead of you somewhere, in the stardust that is everywhere, within and without.

For Dom

Here’s a little poem…
(It was a long time before I could open and put my fingers on the keys of the laptop my beautiful son Dom used.
He died in November 2011).

I have made a space.
A hangar for the airship of my mind,
bigger than Cardington.
A page on your computer
haunted by your small spaces
and undaunted by the infinite space
you have given me.

The Listeners – Walter De La Mare, 1909

‘Is there anybody there?’ said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champed the grasses
Of the forest’s ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller’s head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
‘Is there anybody there?’ he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplexed and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirred and shaken
By the lonely Traveller’s call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
‘Neath the starred and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder and lifted his head:-
‘Tell them I came, and no one answered,
That I kept my word,’ he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.

The Paper Round

‘Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four…’

She gathered the pile of newspapers against her chest, smelling the new print under her chin. She turned to tip them carefully into the print-coloured hemp bag with its long, worn strap that fitted so comfortably over the scarf round her neck.

‘You OK there?’ came a voice from the back room of the little post office and general store.

‘Yes, thanks Mr. Cave, I’m just off now.’

She walked slowly outside into the early morning air, shifting the heavy bag across to the right to stop it banging on her knees. The bike was where she had left it when she went in to count and collect the papers and magazines. It was leaning against the wooden fence where the pink rosebuds were peeping through and thinking about waking. She heaved the bag up into the basket on the handlebars, letting it rest between her hands. Then she and the bike made a big shove up the steep grass verge on to the road.

Like the far reaches of the Great Ouse, the footpath was bounded by a steep grassy bank, so that you couldn’t see the road on your walk to school. It was somewhere up on the right – just like the river. On the Fens, you might travel a road towards Kings Lynn  without realising that the steep grassy bank on the left runs alongside you for miles. Your curiosity might suddenly urge you to stop the car and climb the bank to find out what it’s all about and then you see the river. You see and smell the river and notice how vast the sky is and how mud marks the tidal flow along the opposite bank. The Great Ouse lies beneath your feet and you wonder at its watery beauty and long for a boat.

She waited for a lone cyclist to pass, then pushed the bike across the road, veering to the right to face east. It was never easy getting on to the loaded bike and best to get it rolling first. Legs astride, right pedal up to the top and press hard with the right foot, rising to the saddle as the pedal moves downwards – left foot ready to follow through with all the strength she could muster.

Harrowden Road was always quiet at this time of the morning. She rode past the new greengrocer’s shop, Cave’s Stores and quickly thought about Pat, their daughter – the new girl in her class. The road beneath her had a sandy tinge to it, grit embedded in tar – and wasn’t unlike wet sand moving under the edge of the tide around your feet. It fascinated her. The miniscule pieces of gravel in their dark bed – for all the world it was like riding on a chocolate cake with tiny nuts sprinkled on the icing. On a hot day the road was soft and tyres made streaks in the gravel.

Passing Mrs Cole’s shop she noticed how smart it looked with its fresh black paint round windows full of licorice and blackjacks, when a whiff of fresh bread caught her nose and she felt hungry. She could see the baker talking to the van driver as they lifted trays of loaves into the shop where Auntie Betty worked. Almost past the allotments, she turned left at the island where two roads diverged and rode up on to the pavement on Eastcotts Road, lined with the front gardens of private houses. These looked different from the houses where she lived, with their pebble-dash and  climbers clinging to their walls. Not many deliveries here – only three letterboxes spaced out between the semi-detached short drives. She moved along the pavement and pulled up gently at the first house. Leaning the bike against the privet hedge, she noticed the little pyramids of cream blossom and put her nose to it. She had helped her father plant the privet hedge at home, but there were rarely blossoms because he was so good at trimming it. She loved sweeping up for him and helping him to leave the paths and hedgerow as neat as a freshly-hosed ship’s deck.

She pushed the newspaper through the letterbox and ran back to the bike. ‘Mustn’t hang about, have to get home to get something to eat before school’, she thought. Two more letterboxes, then a short ride past the barred gate where her Dad used to sit with his infant son on his knee and with Uncle Vic and Pop beside him drinking their pints. The little box camera which had captured them for ever flashed through her mind. The Anchor pub, sitting squatly between houses and the gravel quarry on the corner of Eastcotts Road and Cardington Road, was a mysterious place for her. Men enjoyed their pints there, but she had never even seen inside the garden and no newspaper was delivered there. At this time of the morning all the curtains were drawn and the only movement came from the sign above her head, with its gold anchor on a red and black background, swinging and squeaking in the breeze, like a lanyard straining and flapping against its rigging.

Crossing the road to the right, she was on the way towards Cardington village, aware that old man Hooton’s farm was on her left, with its bull at the gate and its bullish farmer who always carried a gun on his left arm. He didn’t have a newspaper delivered either. Probably didn’t have enough hours in the day to read anything while he was busy keeping intruders off his land. She caught glimpses of the river between the willows, wending its weedy way to Cardington Mill. The farm had small water meadows bordering the river and she could see the tiny chalets the swimmers used and a few houseboats as she pressed on. The sand-coloured road had dark patches in it where the grit had rubbed away with the traffic. Moving patterns emerged from these spots like looking down into a kaleidoscope or whizzing past islands on a map. Now and again the patterns glowed red and brown with the blood of a squashed hedgehog, frog or fox.

The smell of hawthorn filled the air and she rode into its wonder.

The front of the bike wheeled left into the thick gravel of the drive leading up to The Barns. Too hard to pedal here, so she stopped and dismounted, to push the bike. The movement felt like a kind of curtsey in front of the beautiful 17th century manor house nestled between its mediaeval  tithe barns, weathered and softened by six or more centuries of storing. Up to the arch over the wide porch was as far as she approached this quiet, ancient beauty. She softly placed the broadsheet and magazines on the large doormat. She had never seen anyone around:  the gardening, thatching and gravel-shifting was all done by ghosts as far as she was concerned – and friendly ones – who clamoured silently to gather round and read the news.

She knew there had been a watermill there and fancied she heard its tumbling and splashing as she pushed the bike out on to the road again. In years to come she would always return to this place whenever she heard or read De La mare’s ‘The Listeners’.

 

Hello world!

Why do I feel so close to Noel Gallagher?

What a joy it was to be near and listen to him this morning on Desert Island Discs. I had a pain au chocolat in my hand and a mug of warm coffee under my nose and that voice full of thoughts in my ears.

He knows there is ‘…someone up there, dropping songs down  and if I don’t catch them, then Chris Martin or Bono will – and they’ve got enough – so that’s what I do every day, I go fishing.’

I listened closely to catch something of what had been said to me about Noel in performance. Shortly before he died, Dom went with Ali to see ‘High-Flying Birds’ in Manchester. Jeremy Taylor, the amazing drummer, had been at the Drama Centre with them and had got tickets for seats which Dom could access easily. He wore sunglasses that night.

‘There is a great sadness in him’,  Dom told me.

I knew exactly what he meant. And why Noel and Sarah danced to ‘Be My Baby’.